I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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