After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
