i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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