i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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