even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I think your dad took our porno
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
