Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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