i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
