would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
