We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
