nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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