tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
