Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize