A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
