I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
