I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
