Pants 0. Shit 1.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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