First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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