What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
