What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Randomize
