I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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