And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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