i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
