how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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