I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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