Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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