I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
