I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
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