Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
