i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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