If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
