I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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