Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
