How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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