I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
