Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Randomize
