Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
