can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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