I'm jealous of your bromance
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
