I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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