Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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