suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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