thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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