thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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