I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
