I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
