He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
