Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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