just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
