just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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