My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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