I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
