why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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