i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
