Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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