I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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