Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
