In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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